Scans, tests, injections...

Feel like a testing rat at times... doesn't help that i'm sacred of injections too... after my CT scans and biopsy, i went for blood test ystday... For the first time in my life, i had blood drawn outta me...

if that wasn't enough, Went for more scans today... First, had to go for an injection to make me radioactive for the bone scan. Apparently, they injected soemthing called isotopes in me. These particles will stick to the bones so i can be bone scanned... However, that sticking thing would take 2 hours to function, so meanwhile, i went for my chest x-ray and ultrasound first...

chest x-ray was fast, done in less then 5 mins... but the ultrasound was kinda long wait. had to wait for the ultrasound to start, which was almost half an hour... then the whole untrasound was kinda tideous i think... 1stly, the lubricant was sticky and yucky... then the scanner was damn hardy. When the radiographer scanned me, she had to press hard on my abdomen. for that moment, i tot i was gonna get bruises all over my abdomen! then she had to scan something slightly below my ribs (which i dunno what organ cos i gave my bio teacher back whtever i had learnt) which was damn fucking hurting! if i had brittle bones, crack already!!! then nevermind, she hitted the "funny" spot. the spot that it would tickes like hell... had to hold my breath n bear with that while she freezed the frame to save. tt was argh!!!

after all the shitty pain. went for breakfast. had fasted all the way from 12 midnite for the stupid painful ultrasound... when i finally started to eat, it was 10.45 already!pratically, for nearly half a day, i had eaten NOTHING! not even water... sob sob... just when i wanted to start on my breakfast, the gastric feeling kicked in... that kinda too-hungry, trying-to-take-the-1st-bite, saliva-swelling-in-d-mouth, stomach-churning feeling... altough i was damn hungry, had no choice but to slllloooooooowwwwwwwllllllyyyyy much n swollow my food...

after the not-so-painful breakfast, i went back for the bone scan. According to dear, he was damn pissed at the radiographers there... i had actually been scanned twice cos they did not know how to save the image the first time...

then went back to office to pack up my stuff. For the one n half years i've been working there, there wasn't much stuff i brought in... In the end, i came out with my full adidas bag (the one which i usually use for training), 1 crown worldwide box (measuring L40; D35; H25, filled with foodstuff), 1 bag of stationary, freebies and wu-ah-bos, and my cushion which could not be fitted or packed into anywhere...

busy day, rush here n there... at least i get things done... hehe...

A plea to Lord Jesus

Looking at the past entries, looking at life... What have I achieved so far? Nothing much to brag off.

Thinking about the entry which i said i had fallen sick for a few times the recent months. Fever, fatigue, headaches, was that an early warning sign? I had to wait till bleeding nose, stuffy nose, and swelling on the right side of my neck before i did anything about it. Mayb my dad was right... No doc would suspect it was serious till the swelling and bleeding get worse...

Thinking about the entry which i said that being friends is better then being lovers cos friends last longer then lovers. I choose to take that back now. Dear is there for me and I can never thank him enough... All these while, after knowing that I have to go for the biopsy, just because I "deh" him, saying that i'm a bing ren, he gives in to all my stupid nonsensical requests... all this while, he has been there loving and caring, loving and caring, loving and caring, so much so, i dun mind dying in his arms...

Life, oh Life... what is life? here I am, crossing an impt hurdle in my life, hand in hand wif my dear dear. Out of so many southern china men above 40, i'm diagnosed with "their" cancer.

Cancer, what is cancer? just a zodiac sign? Not only that... Its also an illness that hits u least when u know it. I dun feel much pain and aching... Its senseless and colourless... It not like a blue-black, where u see the colour and feel the pain. Not like a headache, where u feel your mind exploding. It feels nothing at all... Its only when u start on the treatment or when the cancer spreads to all parts of your body. That's when the pain kicks in... Pain which can be angonising... pain whish i have to bear for 2 angonising months during the treatment.

It all depends on if God wants me to reurn home to him soon or not... Honestly, I'm not prepared. There are still so much things I wana do! I have to win this tug of war!

God, let me stay here for as long as I can, let me mit you 50 years down the road instead. I really need more time here, there are things I just cant let go like that. Let this be a plea to you. Amen.

Diary of a Cancerian...

I'm officially a cancerian... Not only born on June 24th... My status is currently on stage 2 of nose cancer... Stage 2 nose cancer, kept asking y wasn't it detected earlier.

Apparently, all kinds of cancer can only be detected earliest at the beginning of stage 2, where I'm now... There's a tumor at the base of my skull, near my brain... Soon, I'll begin on 7 weeks of radiotherapy, which will lower my immune system by tons... Meanwhile, i hope my cancer cells dun anyhow run... After this 7 weeks, there will be tons of checkups again and again...

Thank goodness I have my Dear dear with me...

A diary of the (suspect) cancer patient...

Went for the biopsy yesterday. According to everyone, including the doc, they have put a mini-cam on a stick and sutffed it into my throat. From there, they will guide the mini-cam to the back of the nose, end of the throat, blah blah...
Swelling of the lymp node on the right went down a bit. but have to take medication for the "infection" on my throat.

Now, my throat is feeling slightly better. but the swelling on the right went up double. Now i can't turn my head as its damn aching... aching... sigh... damn aching... Had trouble washing my hair just now even... Dear dear thinks its due to the antibiotics given for the infection...

Dear dear bought me a sunflower to cheer me up, so sweet right?

CT scan results...

2 months b4 my 24th birthday, I'm thrown a heavy and tough hurdle by God. The CT scan report went...

CLINICAL DIAGNOSIS: Epistaxis. Suspect NPC.
Technique: Axial and coronal scans were performed with IV contrast
Findings: There is a mildly enhancing mass noted in the nasopharynx. The mass is mild to noderately cnhancing. The mass extends anteriorly to just the margin of the choana. Laterally, the para-pharyngeal spaces appera preserved. Superiorly, there is no destruction of the central skull base or clivus. The sphenoid sinus is clear. There is no fluid in the mastoid air-cells bilaterally.
Bulkly right cervical lymphadenopathy is noted. Enlarged lymph nodes are seen in level II, III and IV. There are a few subcentimeter left cervival lymph nodes. These are non-specific.
A small mucosal cyst or polyp is incidentally noted in the left maxillary sinus.
The largest right cervical nodal mass, which may comprise several matted nodes, measure approximately 2.4 X 1.6cm in axial dimension. The nasopharyngeal mass is estimated to measure approximately 2.7 X 2.3cm.
Comments: There is a mild to moderately enhancing mass noted in the nasopharynx. It appears confined to the nasopharynx, extending anteriorly to just the choana. Right cervical level II, III and IV lymphadenopathy is noted. Subcentimeter left cervical lymph nodes are non-specific. The radiological differential diagnosis are NPC or lymphoma.

But, being not a med student, i have no fucking idea what the hell the report meant. But in layman terms, it should be...
There is a growth, dunno if its a cyst or tumor or anything else somewhere in the nose passage way. It may or may no be cancerous. If cancerous, its either nose cancer or lymph node cancer.

Will be going for the biopsy tomorrow and taking out some specimen from the growth to test if its cancerous or not. Wish me good luck!

In all that bloodiness... Saviour!

I should be sleeping now but no thanks to the stuffy nose that now redeemed itself... For the past since dunno how many weeks, think its close to 2 months now, i have this stuffy-nose-feels-almost-like-sinus thing... not sinus though, since I don't have it at all... So I went to 2 docs... both gave me antihisthements (however you spell) it and something to help decongest the nose... But all these just helps and assist a little... nothing else does the thing of clearing your nose other then brute force!

So there i was, 20 minutes ago, awoken up by my own snoring, (which i've never snored before) the 2nd time in my life. The damn nose was stuffy, I can't breath and had to use my mouth to breath... sniff hard, blow hard, in the brute attempt to get rid of whatever's stopping me to breath. nose started to bleed, again, for the 5th time in 3 months...

sniff hard, blow hard, nose still bleeding but still cant breathe... sniff hard, wow, feel loads of slime running down the passageway till nearing my throat when i feel something's choking me. I coughed a few times and spat out something... Something that looks like a plug, a plug of mucus, a plug of dried mucus, a plug of dried mucus but still damn freakingly sticky, stained with a little blood clot due to the bleedind beforehand...

nose started to bleed like a running tap. blood was dripping like crazy and I stained my bed sheet a little. drip drop drip drop, sniff little, blow little, drip drop drip drop... more n more blood and i almost felt faint. finally it stopped. no hint of bloodiness at all! went to the kitchen to dig for a container to keep the "plug".

plug kept. waterbottle refilled. pee a bit. drank some water. msg my dear to c if he watching soccer. switch on tv. watched for 20 minutes already while wrtiting diary. dear no response. finish with diary. all the while, breathing normally liked i used to in the past... the air smells cool, doesn't it, at 3+ in the morning?

No Work...

one of those few rare days which I have not much to do... Mainly because of supplies probs, we can't produce half of whatever products we are blending locally. Hope the different supply probs slove one by one slowly... If they are solved altogether at once, i think i have to camp in office due to the swamp of orders...

Saw this logitech wireless optical keyboard/ mouse set... looks good... very tempted to buy for use in office.. hurhur...

hows life? love life, cant be any better... work life, getting better... family life, still the same... entertainment life, bf's enough at times... "shelf" life, there's a lump below the back of my ear... recall winn had something like tt few years back... hopefully it nothing serious... will see family doc this saturday...

not much else to update... Sometimes wondering if anyone is reading this at times... heh...